Today is the day I have completely lost my motivation.
With over 20 articles to write and more than 300 remaining slots to open, here I am determined to procrastinate. But I hope to cheer myself up so I am downloading McDonald’s App and thinking of ordering quarter pounder and French fries. I am also thinking of drinking 16 oz Coke not from the value meal but from my aunt’s fridge. I have had 3 cups of coffee but the caffeine isn’t helping. My annoyance grows. I have my period, yes, but I don’t want to think my hormones have anything to do with this exasperation.
Something happened yesterday. And I just wish to forget. I wish to fill my mouth with ketchup and French fries and the juicy burger.
I’d be fine tomorrow.
Has your world turned over?
Has the ache lessened?
Lie to my face.
Help me fight this self-destructive urge.
PHOTO BY Jamie Street
I want to travel back to the time you didn’t matter. I want to go back to the height of winter when my heart imploded for a different pain and my frustration cured itself…
Photo from Unsplash
But I want to say I will come to a point where I wouldn’t need to beat myself like this when I do miss you…
Photo by Elizabetta Foco
Finally, a scheme to surpass his melancholic glimmer—taking every bit of him…
She came to realize escaping was in no way helpful. Like closing her eyes to elude darkness, it rather aggravates. In the same way, avoidance was senseless and, hating—toxic and unnecessary. Having pulled herself away from him had drawn her even closer. Similar to an elastic band placed on a rod, she was restricted to him, encircling. And while for a moment, she could stretch to a far distance, thereafter she would spring back to him, closest, bound.
On the contrary, reminding herself about him was [in a way] therapeutic—his smile, his eyes, his hands, his laugh, his figure, his head that used to be filled with thoughts of her—it somehow lessened the ache beneath her rib cage. On occasions she couldn’t sleep, she read her journal and reminisced about the pleasant times—the days and nights he cared about her more than anything else, the time being he loved her utmost…
Relentlessly, she mused over the hapless reality:
One perfect day, he came to her and made her love all of his being… It’s as if he had given life to her heart perpetually that it only longed for him. And his heart, longed for her.
Her heart was conditioned impeccably, with every epithelium remained together until, alas, he shattered it to bits.
While flowers, chocolates and teddies wrapped in romantic words are so endearing (and so much appreciated), what touches my heart most is the fact that you make my days as brightly colored and surreal just by mere existing, by the certainty that you feel the same way as I do.
And you know what?
I miss you.
I miss waking up in the morning seeing your pale face first… feeling your warm arms and tummy… cuddling you before getting up…
But all is well… especially because I have this confidence that I’ll be with you again, every time.
Though we are temporarily distant, and might not have the normal relationship as other couples do, this you should know by heart,
I love you.
I love you not just when you are with me or when I can physically hold you…
I love you even when you’re in your own space…
I love you even when you’re busy…
I love you not just last April or today…
I love you always.
I’m not scared of meeting you again… Even in this same promising place… Even in another cold winter…
Because by then I could look straight into your eyes and say out loud,
“you left me and I couldn’t be more grateful!”